I am slowly coming to grips with the realization that I have been ostracized by my family. And when I say “family”, I am meaning family-by-blood. As I reflect on the years leading up to the present, I can’t help but recognize that my family situation is simply a microcosm of our western culture.
Looking around at how we live our lives, at times I can’t help but feel a mixture of sadness and incredulous disbelief. How do I create a truly meaningful life amidst the insanity of our Western world? Our relationships lack honesty. Our conversations lack authenticity. Over 7 million Canadians are on anti-depressant and other psychotropic medication as a means to cope and now we even drug our children because we are unable to “deal with them”.
The underlying, “unspoken” agreements that I grew up with (and I continue to come up against today) are eerily reflected in our society as a whole, ensuring that the status quo is maintained at all costs.
These agreements include (but are certainly not limited to):
- Keep the peace at all costs
- Deny anything is wrong
- Punish those who tell the truth
- Reward bad behaviour
- Keep your true feelings to yourself
- Say the opposite of what you mean
- Do not think for yourself
- Do not ask questions
- Keep conversations as shallow as possible
- When in doubt, get angry, do nothing or gossip
We individually and collectively perpetuate these agreements by how we treat people when they do not keep them. This is evident in “whistle blower” situations where an employee exposes company corruption or mistreatment of staff. In many cases, the person faces punishment not only from their superiors (being threatened or fired) but almost more importantly – and less overtly – they risk punishment from their peers. In such cases, even when fellow co-workers are also angry about the injustice, they may avoid the “whistle blower” in the lunch room, voice their displeasure, “Why did you rock the boat? Now we’re all in trouble”, and even resort to bullying.
Social pressure, whether it be societal or within smaller groups, is enough for most people to “keep the peace”, to be dishonest and not engage in real conversations, maintaining secrets and ensuring the dysfunction remains intact. Throughout my life, this social pressure has been a struggle and I recognize my innate need to BELONG, to be a part of the tribe, to be loved and accepted. This need has influenced how I behave and what subjects I talk about when at family functions. Although I have often suppressed my innate, human need in order to address issues, it certainly hasn’t seemed to work in my favour. Hmm… or has it?
Am I the one that’s crazy?
Dysfunction may seem obvious to those who are willing to ask questions and be honest; but, to those who are expending huge amounts of energy in denial and “trying to keep it together”, an honest look at themselves or the situation threatens their very identity. So then, their perception of reality is skewed: making racist comments is acceptable, bringing a beer keg to Christmas dinner is acceptable, being passive aggressive is acceptable. The conversation then falls to the lowest common denominator, avoiding any real connection. Let’s talk…. but not about anything meaningful (how about Guitar Hero virtual video game or the latest Walmart purchase?). Other conversation pieces may include recent news stories of animal or child abuse, but obviously making no connection between the stories and their own lives. How are these issues separate? Where is the line? How is it okay to voice racism against visible minorities… as long as everyone in the room finds it funny? At what point do we say, “Enough!” – that we demand that people stop?
When it comes to dysfunction, rather than addressing the issue openly and honestly, it is much easier to blame and punish the one who is pointing out the truth, thereby enabling, supporting and rewarding the bad behaviour. This insidious pattern can also be observed, playing out on a societal level. Without honest consideration and reflection, any individual or group – family, co-workers, fellow board members – is in danger of becoming insular; furthermore, this narrow viewpoint does not allow for objective observation, understanding or clarity, let alone bring about change.
Due to what I had modeled for me in my formative years, to this day I struggle with overcoming my own dysfunction which I experience in the form of defensiveness, fight or flight responses, reactivity to misrepresentation and injustice. This has wreaked havoc in my personal relationships. Having learned to be passive aggressive (by not sharing what I honestly think and feel), I go out into the world wondering if others are saying what they really mean or if they are being passive aggressive.
Passive aggressive disorder, as described in Wikipedia, “may stem from a specific childhood stimulus… in an environment where it was not safe to express frustration or anger. Families in which honest expression of feelings was forbidden tend to teach children to repress and deny their feelings and to use other channels to express their frustration. Children who sugarcoat their hostility do not grow beyond it. Never developing better coping strategies or skill sets for self-expression, they can become adults who harbor vindictive intent.”
Is this the world we want?
In the greater context of society and our culture, I see dysfunctional social agreements being maintained regularly. Some of the many examples one might consider include high level executives (as demonstrated in recent financial bailouts) after receiving billions from our government going to a resort spa and playing golf; oil companies devastating people’s culture and their surrounding environment while making obscene profits; hockey fans cheering on the players when they beat each other up (like the gladiators in Roman times) giving them the status of rock stars; or, Survivor, a “so-called” reality television show, where the most manipulative and diabolical contestant is referred to by viewers as the most “skillful” player.
To create harmonious relationships that are based on mutual respect and appreciation, I have learned that risk taking is essential through being honest and vulnerable. Although I am not always successful, I do my best to at least begin the conversation.
This inner pull to maintain relationships with family members is surprisingly strong. So what do I do when family members are not interested in creating meaningful connection? The logical, reasonable answer is: direct my time and energy toward people who DO want meaningful relationships! I have been redefining “family” to include family-by-choice rather than simply family-by-blood which creates new opportunities for nourishing, engaging relationships.
Whether or not one subscribes to the notion that we chose our family before we were born in order to learn what we need to, my childhood experiences compelled me to seek honesty and fairness, to fight social inequities and injustice. This has directed my life path greatly, bringing me to where I am at this point in my life.
Creating New Agreements
Creating positive change within the “collective will” begins with individuals willing to create new agreements to interact differently, such as:
- Be clear in your intention
- Say what you mean – be authentic and truthful
- Be responsible for your own thoughts, feelings and needs
- Encourage honest feedback
- When in doubt, ask!
- If something is incongruent, speak up
- Address bad behaviour as unacceptable
- Ask more questions to explore on a deeper level
- Think and learn, and learn to think
- Hold in view the goal of creating a more meaningful relationship
As I continue on in my life, my desire to make a positive difference in the world increases and deepens. This process has lead me to continually ask how I can be more effective at accomplishing that. What I have come to at this point in my life is understanding that it begins with me – changing my way of being and encouraging those in my circle of influence to do the same. This means that I am responsible for consciously and consistently living in alignment with my beliefs and values. Daily, I can implement this way of being by how I am with others; communicating openly, honestly and authentically with passion. Doing this while holding a view of what I imagine as a better world engages me and those around me in a journey of more loving, compassionate, peaceful and harmonious relationships.
Nicole publishes this magazine, is co-owner of Compassion Farm and a board member of the Bowen Road Farmers’ Market.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 6th, 2010 at 1:51 am and is filed under FEATURE. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
I can only imagine how your family must feel after reading such an outrageous article. This does not read as if you are making a positive difference, These words would cut through any mother’s, sister’s or brother’s heart and how on earth is that positive?
I’m all for telling the truth and making a progressive difference in the world in which I live but I also believe in knowing your audience. Sometimes we don’t say what we really mean to save the feelings of those we love the most and are linked to for the rest of our lives.
You can pick your friends by the social behaviour you prefer and exhibit yourself but you have no control over the selection of your family so, to keep the peace and maintain long term relationships with our family we must often grin and bare it. By not laughing at hurtful jokes or by not drinking from the keg but from the tap you can lead by example rather then humilate and forsake those that share your blood.
If you can learn to over-look what you see as flaws in your family’s behaviour you WILL enjoy the time you spend with them and learn to find strengths and beauties. Apply this to society, if you will, but you will have no longer-lasting impact then that of which you have with your family.
The way you addressed this issue was genuine, to the heart of the matter and very affirming. By your willingness to approach areas most people are unwilling to, it is a gift of insight you’re offering, you are forging a path for many whose hearts are opening perhaps for the first time. As you noted in the first part of the article, there is a well worn, socially acceptable, nauseating path of behavioural conformity that is nothing short of insane. There is a virus in the language most of us use.
We who choose to be more authentic are actually rebels, non-conformists, acting from our truth and higher essence. How ironic. The depth of denial in most people is astonishing, to say the least, most people are quite conscious of that denial. They try to put a band-aid on a bullet wound causing a ripple effect of toxicity that keeps going around and then they cleverly deny, wanting to cover it up attempting to make the good people look bad. Like when someone cuts you off in traffic and then gives you the finger like you did something wrong.
Having compassion for people who behave like that is called “idiot compassion”, sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is call someone on their games. Of course they don’t like it, but just like the bullies in school, something should be done. A conniving, passive-aggressive, dishonest, gossiping person is just as much a bully in adult life. The ‘grown-up’ games just get a little more sneaky and although these people may appear clever, they are not displaying much intelligence. We are all worthy of so much more than to greedily grovel through life like a chicken scratching instead of choosing to claim more of life’s glory that awaits us. When a person loves his or herself, thoughts do not go towards sabotaging their own joy or anyone else’s. There are a lot of people who actually really hate themselves. We have every potential for good within us, yet there must be some kind of a negative pay off for those who refuse to see this. They get to keep doing harm to themselves and others. It plays out on the global stage and also right where we live our everyday lives.
In your last section on “Creating New Agreements”, it is so true that when we choose to relate with those who are capable of relating in healthy ways, all those more pro-active methods will work, such as addressing bad behaviour, saying what we mean, speaking up when something is incongruent – and I would also add, the mutual practise of healing, forgiveness and gratitude.
Within a greater vision of ‘family’, we can keep creating more positive experiences and teach our children as well. So again, thank you for addressing this. We are worth so much more than we we often settle for. Staying the course towards higher consciousness is what some of us choose to do, and truly hope the same for all, while at the same time reaching out to those ready to move up a notch. Keep up the great work you are doing through the magazine and in the community.
I found myself mentally highlighting every other paragraph. You have written so centrally to so many issues I struggle with right now. As a fellow ostracized person, one who is also trying to build a new “family-by-choice” I can deeply identify…
It is regrettable, however, that “Anonymous” (commenting above) has somehow read through this entire article and did not “get it.” The author has already done all the traditional “right” and politically correct things one does in conventional relational dynamics but stopped short of enabling her family to continue on in an implosive and self-destructive manner. She chose the better path, knowing that it too is not without a considerable measure of pain and grieving; but the chances of healthy healing are often far better this way. My humble advice? Read the article again … and even again. — Pauline Finch, Kitchener ON
Brava Nicole! I had to leave my bio family across the world so I could escape the culture of drinking, drugs, and denial. I struggled to belong for 43 years, regardless of the costs, which included my mental health, my physical health, and all sense of being human. I had to become a walking, talking representation of what they felt was “me”. In order to find the love and connections in the world that I needed to be healthy, I had to find my heart family – people whom I love, and whom love me, for the flawed, but authentic person that I am.
I have tried all my life to connect to my bio family, but it left me wanting to self-harm, self-hate, and self-destruct. No matter what I did to conform to their vision, it was never enough. I love them, and wish them well, but I cannot have them in my life. Their denial is toxic, and has poisoned me. In order to heal, and to have the strength to share my unique gifts with the world, I have to cut the threads that have been steadily choking me for years.
It’s no longer a matter of “tolerating” and doing what is needed to keep the peace. To thrive, and to begin to love myself, I have to leave bio family behind. In doing so, I am becoming my authentic self, and becoming strong enough to make positive change in the world.
Thank you for being a voice for all of us who have been in the shadows for too long.
Jane Waterman, BC